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G R I N D I N G    T H E    A X E
The Best of Yale Notes
• 1992-2000

November 1992
“85% of rapes are never reported,” says Women Breaking the Silence. So how do they know?

On most campuses, rape is a less serious crime than plagiarism, says Women Breaking the Silence. Reading this, the YFP immediately rushed to consult our copy of the Undergraduate Regulations. Our discovery? According to Yale’s campus regulations, murder is also a less serious crime than plagiarism.

Hypocrite of the Month: Local 35 president Tom Gaudioso, who argued that students working in the dining halls should not be allowed to vote in union elections because “they are not permanent workers at Yale and wouldn’t have the same interests as workers who will spend their lifetimes here.” This is the same man who invested $100,000 of union money in a student organization called GESO.

YDN staff reporter Carolyn Calfee’s October 19 article, “Bush’s Leadership Fails Minorities,” uses four minority student to speak for Yale’s 1000-plus minority students. By those standards, the YFP (41% minority) could replace the Observer as Yale’s ethnic magazine.

April 1994
YFP Deep Thought: When children ask why it’s raining, we like to tell them it’s because God is crying. When they ask us why God is crying, we like to say it’s because of something BGLAD chalked on the sidewalk.

October 1994
New philosophy professor Shelly Kagan boasts that he has never really read Kant or Aristotle. Shouldn't he be joining Yale’s literature department?

January 1997
Herald columnist Ilan Mochari plagiarized his entire column “A Hoop Dream Deferred” (11/15) from an article in the New York Times by a lady at the Yale Law School. Oops. But we can understand. With those strenuous biweekly deadlines, it’s hard for even the best journalist to refrain from copying articles out of the Times. (He’s still writing for the Herald, by the way.)

But seriously, folks. Does anyone besides the YDN reporters care what the Yale College Council endorses? What are they, the People’s Front of Judea?

March 1998
In two meetings of the new organization “Men Against Sexual Violence,” two people have shown up (one of whom was the founder). The roaring success of the organization necessitated two front-page articles in the YDN.

In other news, AASA held a vigorous debate on the topic, “Resolved: AASA is pointless.” After a rousing speech from Eugenia Chen, the sole attendee, the meeting adjourned to the Saybrook Athenaeum Room to join “Man Against Sexual Violence.”

The close-cropped hair, the tightly-shut lips; the brown shirts, the eye-catching armbands; the brotherhood, the inspiring leadership and the invigorating sense of racial pride—yes, the men of Lambda Upsilon Lambda have it all. Que viva la raza!

May 1998
Yale’s publications are pretty predictable. But we never would have guessed that in 1998, Yalies would produce a collection of Maoist apologias. Let a thousand Dandelions bloom.

The full title of the ChiCom mouthpiece is A Dandelion for the Unconvinced. For their next trick, may we suggest A Rose for the Re-educated, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Worship Mao?

Further examples of things we could never get away with: The Student Coalition for Diversity offered us a speech this month entitled “Ethnic Studies: Still Crazy After All These Years.” This job is too easy.

According to the Yale College Humanist Society, 96% of “conservative Christian activists” believe that “Christians should be in politics to protect their values.” What we want to know is, what the hell do the other 4% believe?

Wei Jingsheng is unconvinced.

October 1998
The Yale Journal of Ethics has a new slogan: “Think different.” We guess that stealing your ads from Apple is both different and ethical.

Theme programming: On Friday, October 2, the Paul Mellon Arts Center hosted a show by the Connecticut Gay Men’s Chorus. The next day, they presented a play by the Children’s Theater Series. It was “Curious George.”

More painful than getting shot 41 times by the NYPD, stupider than a blind girl bringing her guide dog to a DKE party, less funny than an overflowing CCL toilet—it’s Rumpus.

Only in New Haven would community groups oppose an asbestos removal company because they suspected that it might, possibly, under some circumstances, require a truck.

And only in New Haven would community groups prefer a job training center to a job.

December 1998
According to statistics provided by Connecticut Sexual Assault Services, Inc., one in four college women will fill out a survey and 75 percent will not even realize it.

If God is all good and all powerful, why is Tanya Loh writing rap songs for Type?

February 1999
Has anyone else noticed the discrepancy between the YDN’s scare-mongering coverage of Professor James Van de Velde, who has not even been charged with a crime, and alleged forger Tonica Jenkins? Jenkins is being treated as she ought to be, with a presumption of innocence—why can’t the Daily do the same justice to Van de Velde?

Martin Luther King, Jr.’s birthday was celebrated this year with the lack of a lecture in African-American Studies. We hope Professor Cathy Cohen will honor the Reverend Doctor King in this fashion every day.

November 1999
19 little Kantians in Yale tenure heaven,
12 went to Penn and then there were seven.
Seven little Kantians hated analytics,
One left for Stanford and then there were six.
Six little Kantians trying to thrive,
One didn't get tenure and then there were five.
Five little Kantians Levin ignored,
One's ontological status became doubtful and then there were four.
Four little Kantians full of ennui,
One joined a convent and then there were three.
Three little Kantians with nothing to do,
One fled the country and then there were two.
Two little Kantians, their department undone,
One of them died and then there was one.
One little Kantian thought he had won,
He was the bridge to the Overman and then there were none.

The sociology department is looking to hire five new senior professors. The philosophy department is looking to hire… anybody. Or anything, A ferret… a table lamp…

April 2000
From the 1999-2000 Yale Freshman Counselor Handbook (we are not making this up): p. 95, “Resources for Lesbians, Gays, Bisexuals, and Trans-gendered at Yale…. The Lesbian Avengers is a direct action group focused on issues on lesbian survival and visibility. Are you a lesbian or transgendered person willing to do shit work, agitate for change, run actions, run topless, eat fire, or generally fuck shit up? Then the Lesbian Avengers is right for you!” Nice to know Yale’s hard-core, anti-establishment lesbians get this ringing endorsement from the Yale administration. Kids, you’re not “fucking shit up” if your freshman counselor is helping.


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