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G R I N D I N G    T H E    A X E
The Best of Media Watch
• 1992-2000

Sample headlines from the YDN’s objective political reporting team
“Professors criticize Bush tenure”
—October 5
“Nordhaus Blasts Bush’s Economic Record”
—October 6
“Bush’s Leadership Fails Minorities”
—October 19
“Catholics Lean Toward Clinton”
—October 22, 1992

“Sound” sixth-grade sex
“Furthermore, DeStefano has given an indication that he will place sound judgment before politics. A Catholic, DeStefano has supported the distribution of condoms at middle schools…”
—Ben Lumpkin, The New Journal, 9/15/93

We bet the racists will be the first to register
"‘People are racist against a group because they don’t understand the group’s history,’ said Jeffrey Chen ’96, a member of the Chinese Students Association. ‘Yale can begin to correct this problem by providing more courses about the Asian-American experience,’ he said."
—YDN 11/2/94

Hey stupid, they smoke!
“Some of our campus conservatives are developing lives that include living off campus... Are conservatives having trouble assimilating?”
—J.T. Treadwell, Review of Politics Feb.-March 1994

 “No” means “Yes”
“In African society, ‘I’ means ‘we’… in American society, ‘I’ means ‘I.’”
—Sistah Souljah, quoted in YDN 2/16/95

Like in Rwanda?
“[T]he African philosophy of life is to achieve balance and harmony. African communities take responsibility for each other to establish this balance and harmony.”
—Sistah Souljah, quoted in YDN 2/16/95

And GESO wants a pay raise?
“Admittedly, graduate students have a million other things on their minds, and are sometimes unprepared to teach classes they have been assigned to lead.”
—graduate student activist Carra Leah Hood, YDN 2/8/95

Could you be a little more specific?
“It takes a lot more than pictures of my naked body to exploit me.”
—Nicky Beer, YDN 2/15/95

Like (professional economists) Phil Gramm and Dick Armey?
“I wish lawyers would stick to law and leave economics to economists.”
—Prof. William Nordhaus, criticizing GOP balanced-budget amendment, quoted in YDN 2/6/95

So, when do the purges begin?
“Solidarity forever, for the unions make us strong.”
—Matt Rockman, YDN 4/11/96

What goes on in the privacy of your own home…
“Men, however, should be held morally and legally accountable for their lackluster performance.”
—Krista Magruder, YDN 4/17/96

Which explains the mass migration to Russia
“[James Carville] shows unequivocally how the supposed growth during the Reagan administration actually hurt the economy beyond repair.”
—Caela Miller, Review of Politics April 1996

Stereotyping
“Union laborers work hard and deserve their money.”
—Chris Grosso, YDN 3/26/96

That’s why I joined the Asian American Students Association
“By having programs for everyone and some programs for minorities, [Yale] is still causing division.”
—Tom Nguyen ’98, Asian American Students Association Moderator

So it’s gravity that’s holding women down
“Various critical and constructionist, feminist and interpretive perspectives maintain that the supposed objectivity of the scientific method itself is permeated with value judgments and the expression of power relations.”
—Emily Satterthwaite, Yale Political Monthly, December 1995

Unions support Reaganomics
“If Yale does wrong by its workers, it will have a trickle effect across the community.”
—Bob Proto, quoted in YDN 9/19/96

$11 to make a salad?
“[The memo] suggests that certain members of the University look at New Haven as a source of cheap labor.”
—Union spokeswoman Deborah Chernoff, quoted in Yale Herald 10/4/96

Night of the Undead (Disabled) Cheerleaders
“While the Dean’s office will provide a crutch for crippled groups like the cheerleaders, it will not bring them back from the dead.”
—YDN 9/27/96

I come here not to praise Caesar, but to bury him…
“The word ‘entrepreneur’ is a beautiful word. It’s a French word. It’s a verb which means ‘to undertake,’ so let me welcome my fellow undertakers.”
—Jack Kemp, campaigning for the elderly Bob Dole, quoted in Yale Herald 10/4/96

Pasta. And the friendly opening. And pasta?!
“I always wanted to do that. To lie on my bed and just open my legs and be free. Not to reach out with my arms. But to say, lazily, ‘hello,’ without awkwardness. To have a woman do that for me! Simple joys… The friendly opening of legs. The expanse of the sea with the foam lapping the shore and then drawing back, come on in. The open warm jacket, waiting for your arms to settle in. The open cup held by your mouth as it drinks sweet juice. An embrace meaning hello, or good-bye, or I love you. A tunnel at midnight. Dimming lights, the light is driving into the bulb, no longer carrying the weight of an entire room, withdrawing into its halo. Pasta.”
—Maya Gurantz, Aurora 11/96

It’s people! Soylent Green is made of people!
“We all grow up corporate. From a very early age the corporations make us want the instant satisfaction of the low fiber, high fat, high sugar diet that has given us the flabbiest generation since records were kept. They have given us that deadly pink missile, the hot dog.”
—Ralph Nader, as quoted in YDN 10/30/96

M.C. Bard and the Gang, Bowdler’s Paradise
“‘Shakespeare’s World 1996’ includes some of the historic playwright’s most well-known scenes and monologues, threaded together by commentary in the form of rap.”
—YDN, 10/17/96

Oh, that’s all
“Fishman called for several measures that would make life better for the common family, including a life free from exploitation, an end to hunger and racism, and the ‘renewal of democracy to end the era of corporate domination.’”
—Ephram Lustgarten, YDN 2/5/97

Acid use on the rise at Yale
“I travel all the time and no one knows. Kenya, Thailand, India, Rome. The names roll like drumbeats, wisps of silk, music with strange tones, veiled women in steaming markets, ancient stones. I stare at the lectern on a Monday morning, and I am sailing down some great river under a blue sky, taking no notes.”
—Laura Siegel, Yale Herald 2/21/97

Or they may want to get a job
“The homeless may want to make up their own plays, put their life stories into a play, or perform Shakespeare.”
—Jane Chen, quoted in YDN 2/3/97

To prevent static, avoid excessive rubbing
“Gay couples have to deal with this extra static that’s always in the back of your head.”
—Maryanne Ludwig, quoted in YDN 2/19/97

Poet, Mayor, Martyr
“Three years ago, the very spirit of our city had been broken in the face of an uncertain future. We were a city drifting, lost on a wave of urban decline, toward a shore devoid of hope.”
—New Haven mayor John DeStefano, Jr., quoted in YDN 2/4/97

Eloquence
"‘I was almost offended [by the writing workshop],’ Brooke Richie ’99 said. ‘Because inherently behind it implies the fact that minorities cannot write as well which is not true.’"
—YDN 9/8/97

Bad metaphysics
"A battle for the soul of New Haven’s taxis"
—headline, YDN 4/16/97

Like the Irish?
"As [National Review editor John] O’Sullivan and his cronies throw back the Bubbly, celebrating their latest conquest in the game of ‘racial politics,’ they trivialize the real struggle for respect being waged by historically marginalized and demeaned people."
—Lee Wang, YDN 4/15/97

So pick it up, jackass
“Someone has tossed a Fig Newton wrapper—a mark of disdain, a scar of defeat—into one of the 17 mailbins lining the musty walls.”
—Jessica Winter, The New Journal 12/3/97 

It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken
“A young boy, Kazuo Ohno’s son Yoshito, enacted sexual intercourse with a live chicken, smothering it to death in the process, and then surrendered to the homosexual advances of Hijikata himself.”
—Mia Doi Todd, Discourses

You can get that fixed, you know
“I am silvered with lust. Dreams flick like minnows through my eyes.”
—Marge Piercy, quoted in Yale Review of Books Spring 1998

Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.
“For all the insensitivity of the forced busing bureaucrats of the late ’60s and ’70s, they understood that social change takes something few Americans like: overt social engineering.”
—Daniel Brook, The New Journal 11/30/98

No—that’s our job
“Anyone who takes the time to read Portia thoroughly or to talk to any writer could easily discern that we are not a group of dangerous right-wing anti-feminists.”
—Deborah Schmuhl, Letter to the Editor, YDN 12/9/98

Get your own sugar daddy
“Like Liz and Claire, I am angered that campus publications funded by conservative organizations flourish at Yale, while publications like Type and Aurora are hampered by lack of financial resources.”
—Rachel Deutsch, Letter to the Editor, YDN 12/9/98

She don’t need no education
“These walls retain their wisdom and strength regardless of the childlike fixations of our own gleaming, white walls that have seen no suffering, yet profess to define what should be known.”
—Shilpi Mehta, YDN 10/1/98

We’re also the most humble
“We are the most interesting, intelligent people that have ever had the opportunity to spend our college years on this storied campus.”
—Adam Gordon, YDN 10/13/98

Like the Cold War…
“Lewis said America elected Reagan for the same reason it followed Madonna. ‘The Reagan presidency was an invite to participate in the illusion that all is fine, not to deal with the real issues of the day,’ he said.”
—YDN 11/6/98

This sentence has meaning.
“Organizers said they hoped to educate and energize the student body about their cause, and to demonstrate their resolve for enacting change.”
—YDN 10/6/98

Germs are people too
“Man is only ethical ‘when he treats all living beings equally,’ said John Hoyt, President Emeritus of the Humane Society, in the Whitney Humanities Center yesterday.”
—YDN 10/8/98

How cold was it?
“Yale seniors will tell you about the winter of ’96, when the usual New Haven slush became ice. ‘It was cold,’ Kamran Javadizedeh, PC ’99, recalled.”
Yale Herald, 10/30/98

Higher unemployment now!
“‘There is a frenzy among the Goliaths to get more low-wage workers. They are pushing welfare reform to get more workers,’ [Dwight Hall guest Kim] Bobo said. Most states are hitting the deadlines on which people have to be off of welfare, and companies are scrambling to hire them, not necessarily to benefit society, but to have a supply of cheap labor, according to Bobo.”
—YDN 10/29/98

They never saw it coming
“According to statistics provided by Connecticut Sexual Assault Crisis Services, Inc. one in four college women will be assaulted and 75 percent will never even realize it.”
—YDN 10/26/98

So much for subtlety
“And here’s where the actual caption goes. Keep it to two lines, please. And be creative when writing it! It’s useless just to restate what’s obviously in the picture. Try to add something to what we see.”
—YDN photo caption, 10/30/98

Get a job.
“For years, graduate students have been afflicted by a perpetual malaise, feeling isolated from their peers and alienated from the rest of the university.”
—YDN 10/1/98

Talking to the Daily is really futile.
“Tuesday’s and Wednesday’s articles about the FBI investigation into former Saybrook Master Antonio Lasaga’s resignation incorrectly reported that Yale College Dean Brodhead said, ‘Prying is futile.’ The articles should have reported that Dean of Student Affairs Betty Trachtenberg said, ‘Trying to speculate is really futile.’”
—YDN Corrections, 11/12/98

Newspapers kill trees. Take the hint.
“Telling my parents how cutting down forests kills wildlife and causes global warming did little to solve the problem.”
—Glenn Hurowitz, YDN 10/21/98

Save the endangered golf courses!
“It told me, for the first time, how Trump had bought up a golf course where I cross country ski with my father and the adjoining woodland and was planning to turn it into 87 spanking new semi-detached 3,000 square foot townhouses, with a commercial center right in the middle.”
—Glenn Hurowitz, YDN 10/21/98

Conservatives against private property
“The Yale fence means nothing to us now, nor does fence night, one of the most amusing and destructive old Yale traditions (during one night of the school year, the freshmen would sneak out into New Haven, pull out the fences of unsuspecting residents, and carry them to Old Campus, where they would deposit them in a huge pile).”
—Sarah Maserati, YDN 3/26/99

Come again?
“Fine, No. 1 pop album, because Elliot Smith, XO is nothing but.”
—Sam Frank, Yale Herald 12/4/98

BOOM!
“The Western Cannon... this cannon... The Cannon... the Western Cannon... the Western Cannon... the Western Cannon... the Cannon... the Western Cannon...”
—Shilpi Mehta, YDN 10/1/98

Ego trip
“I am in an autobiographical car, driving down an autobiographical stretch of southern Montana.”
—Erin Callahan, YDN 9/11/99

Uh... that’s “throng”
“As I looked across the bleak landscape at the surging thong of disinterested humanity, I realized that no one cared.”
—Barry Levey, Yale Herald 9/4/98

Group III—Birthplace of Evil
“What group do the future eminent lawyers, psychologists, humanitarians, labor organizers, and social scientists indulge in? Why, Group III, of course.”
—Jay Munir, Yale Herald freshman issue

“Ever-changing” because they can’t get it right
“While everyone else busily studies what is already known, we choose to focus on ever-changing theories and studies.”
—Jay Munir, Yale Herald freshman issue

From fruits to nuts
“Campus groups include everything from the Yale College Vegetarian Society to the Student Labor Action Coalition.”
—Mackenzie Baris, YDN freshman issue

We just hope he wears his pants
“He is also the President of the United States, and we will receive him with all of the dignity that office entails.”
—Law School Dean Anthony Kronman, quoted in the YDN 9/28/98

6th Commandment
“Come celebrate with song, food, fun, and adultery.”
—ad for Yale Hillel, 2/6/98

Yours first
“Get your mind out of the gutter.”
—ad for Yale Hillel, 2/20/98

The whiteness of the whitey is in being white
“They did not feel that they were being confronted with their ‘whiteness,’ they felt they were being confronted for being white.”
—David Auerbach, Yale Herald 4/10/98

Timely
“Clinton in Africa: America was wrong to buy slaves”
—headline, YDN 3/25/98

Diversity of opinion
“YCC presidential candidates uniform”
—headline, Yale Herald 4/10/98
“YCC pool boasts increased diversity”
—headline, YDN 4.10/98

Huh?
“Without succumbing to socially disembedded vanguardism, such a movement must converge in a worldwide ideological synthesis before it can percolate down to anchor itself within existing civic networks and popular constituencies.”
—Adam Webb, Dandelion

Your joke here
“But perhaps gender and science seem unrelated merely because women have yet to penetrate these fields fully.”
—Dominique Hara Sherman, Aurora

Oppressed by math, part 1
“Professor Carby warned, however, of the consequences of ‘reducing bodies to spheres of knowledge and equating them, creating a double marginalization and ghettoization.’”
—Prof. Hazel Carby, quoted in Aurora

Oppressed by math, part 2
“If you imagine a series of concentric circles, each growing from the center, and then you designate certain areas of each of those circles for certain races (0 to pi/2, black; pi/2 to pi, Latino; pi to 3pi/2, Asian American; etc.), you have a neat, geometric model of America. This explains in clear, sociological terms why interracial dating is so difficult.”
—Felix Chang, Type 2

Tomahawk Chop!
“[Ted] Turner also has compared fellow media mogul Rupert Murdoch to Adolf Hitler and once suggested in a speech that unemployed blacks be used to haul mobile missiles ‘like Egyptians building the pyramids.’ He later told civil rights leaders he was kidding.”
—YDN (from the Associated Press), 2/19/99

As I Lay Shopping (by the author of Hair Salon, Hair Salon!)
“Or maybe we need Faulkner to get his ass in here and build a mall in the right place.”
—Erin Callahan, YDN 2/4/99

Well, you could work in it
“We just don’t want an asbestos company. What use could we possibly have for that?”
—Jerry Tureck, member of the Dixwell Community Enterprise Management group, quoted in the Yale Herald 2/12/99

Leadership
“While [YCC candidate Michael] Wolmetz confesses to apathy on most issues, he says he will follow student opinion.”
—YDN 4/14/99

GESO explores the noumenal realm
“‘My biggest concern is the casualization of truth,’ [John] Gehman said.”
—YDN 4/14/99

Sinners in the hands of an angry Woodcock
“And I will pardon the innocent, but leave the rest to their guilt.”
—Ramsi Woodcock, YDN 4/19/99

Is Dickey Loeb to blame because he killed a guy for fun?
“Is Dickey Loeb to blame because… of the infinite forces that conspired to form him, the infinite forces that were at work producing him ages before he was born?”
—Clarence Darrow, quoted by Joey Fishkin, YDN 4/14/99

At least he didn’t kill 60 million people
“[Elia Kazan] knowingly named names. He tacitly gave eminence to a bigoted cause. He personally kept men from the chance to receive the award he received last night.”
—Matt Fogel, YDN 3/22/99

Preserve black culture: buy a slave
“The marching tradition has its roots in African-American cultural history. It mimics how slaves walked in lines while bound together, and tries to build on the positive aspects of such enforced proximity.”
—YDN 4/1/99

He writes for TNJ
“His generalizations sweep, his criticisms fly freely and his tone is unduly grave.”
The New Journal 10/15/99

Also why the Italians are so economically disadvantaged
“Media have divided the working class and stereotyped young African-American males as gangsters or drug dealers. As a result of such treatment, the media have crushed youths’ prospects for future employment and advancement.”
Yale Political Quarterly 10/99

Both directed by young blacks
“American society has now accepted these stereotypes which the film media have ascribed to the black community. Films such as Boyz N the Hood and Menace II Society have become multi-million dollar success stories with criminal portrayals of young blacks.”
Yale Political Quarterly 10/99

Father, Son and Holy Pimp
“Bassist, poet, entrepreneur, one-time pimp, activist, and arguably the greatest American composer of the century, Charles Mingus conceived of himself as three.”
Journal of American Contemporary Culture, January 2000

Feminist dialogue
“Conversations with Miss Piggy were more constructive/(once upon a time)/But now she blushes gray and/remains silent/and won’t even conjure up a frown for me.”
—“Untitled,” digressions 1999

Quick! Form a circle!
“Which side is telling the truth—the frat boys or the Asian kid? Maybe we’re all just a bunch of meat-heads and chinks.”
type 2000

Determinist
“Yale alone is responsible for undermining my moral code.”
—Ezra Rosser, type 2000

Yeah, at the director
“And with a little encouragement from the cast and crew (and probably much to your surprise), you’ll be proudly exclaiming ‘Cunt!’ by the end of the show.”
—YDN 2/11/00

The sincerest form of flattery
“Editorial from the Daily Pennsylvanian, Feb. 29”
—YDN 3/1/00, p. 4
“A column from the Daily Pennsylvanian”
—YDN 3/1/00, p. 5

Guess I’ll go eat worms
“As Madeline puts it, ‘I have a spirit, I have a soul, and no one cares.’”
—YDN 3/31/00
 

   
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