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A R T S    &    C U L T U R E
Fun in the Kitchen: 
Trip While You Bake
The Dormouse • May 1993

Do you ever have those days when you can’t score a tab of acid, but desperately want to peel your face off in the mirror? Have no fear! There is a solution that befits your fiendish stature! Let me begin by telling you a story. I was in Paris last summer, hanging out with a couple of shady figures I had met that day, jonesing for an altered state, when I remembered an interesting little passage out of The Anarchist’s Cookbook under the section about hallucinogens. It explained the use of nutmeg, yes nutmeg, by Native Americans in their religious ceremonies.

Now, last time I checked nutmeg was as legal as lettuce, and pretty damn cheap. So I dashed across the street to the store, and picked up 100 grams of powdered nutmeg. I returned home thinking to myself, “This is great! Nutmeg! No problem!” Not so. Now I ask you, have you ever considered how much you either like or dislike nutmeg? Probably not. When people ask you if you want nutmeg on, say... your sandwich... you say, “Sure, sounds good,” without really knowing what nutmeg tastes like or how it affects the texture of the food item in question. Given these conditions and the fact that we didn’t have any connections in the Parisian Underground, we fearlessly dug in.

First we tried eating spoonfuls of the infernal stuff, only to literally gag on the spoon. We thought then to hide the taste by making sandwiches. Another mistake. Finally, before discovering the solution, we tried diluting it with water and drinking it, only to discover that nutmeg is insoluble. The last couple of gulps, I’m sure, compares to the Wrath of God.

Well, the smell finally overpowered our fiendish frenzy long enough for us to consider easier modes of ingestion. It certainly was too vile to snort, and we figured that the intravenous option would have unnecessary complications, so we started making Jell-O. The plan was to make bite-size pieces of Jell-O with balls of that offensive food additive safely sealed inside. Like oysters, they slid right down with our taste buds none the wiser. We figured that it would take a couple of hours to kick in, so we settled down for a nice game of Monopoly.

The afternoon slipped away into the evening and the evening gave way to the night, but nothing happened. We had long since finished our game and now we were watching “Excalibur” dubbed in French. “Arthur, Arthur, je vais te tuer!” Great stuff. But then it came, catching me completely off guard. The movie was in the middle of a particularly gruesome scene, battle axes were flying towards me, fires singing my hair, luscious damsels in distress. It was pretty cool, except that the effects of the nutmeg had accelerated beyond my control.

My vision dimmed, things started changing colors and I began conversing with the ceiling fan. I was trippin’ my balls off! I ran to the balcony, calling to my new friends to join me, only to find out, of course, that they too were buggin’. So this was nutmeg, a true hallucinogen, straight from the spice rack. Anyway, with shrooms, the total experience usually lasts about six hours. LSD can be effective as long as 14 hours. Nutmeg, however, was a rare treat. Let’s just say that I woke up the following day, still tripping.

One might ask, “Mr. Dormouse, how did you get to sleep while tripping?” And I would answer by noting an important feature about nutmeg. It seemed to have a sedative quality, which felt like the end of a heroin ride. Most unusual for a hallucinogen. Because I was able to sleep and stop freaking out in my conscious state, I had the occasion, for the first time in my long and illustrious career, to experience the psychedelic dream state. This comes highly recommended to all those who feel cheated and boxed in by reality.

I had dreams more vivid than anything our three-dimensional world could offer. I was omniscient, omnipotent and omnipresent. The experience can be likened to being on PCP, but safely tucked away in my dream state, out of harm’s way. The secrets of the universe were revealed to me, but unfortunately I don’t remember them. (I hate it when that happens.) I peered upon the evolution of mankind, past, present and future. Anyway, I should note for the record that extraterrestrials did build the pyramids and that Judgment Day will be during BGLAD 1996. Beware!

The trip lasted for about 24 hours with intermittent hallucinogenic effects lasting for another 12 hours. It was during the latter stages of the trip that we began to notice the side effects. Well folks, we discovered an important fact about human anatomy (it is great when you can combine learning and tripping). In short, the human body is not designed to process large quantities of nutmeg. We were very pale and our pupils dilated. We experienced high levels of water retention, and when we did urinate, it felt like we were holding flame throwers. For days after, our livers took the heat for our indiscretions with intense pain.

But all of this cleared up in a few days with only one permanent side effect: the ability to detect nutmeg in sealed containers within a 20-foot radius. This new sixth sense facilitated our newfound reflex of avoiding nutmeg. The bottom line is that the experience is extraordinary and very legal, so have fun, but take my advice to heart.

Recommended dosage: 35 grams.

—The Dormouse is the YFP’s correspondent to the Underworld

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