C.R.U.D.
COMMITTEE
TO RETHINK
UNIVERSITY
DEDICATIONS
In light of the recent outcry against the excessive
harm caused by
Yale University’s honoring of proponents of the
culture of slavery,
the C.R.U.D. demands that the following colleges
be renamed.
 Calhoun
College
Honoring John C. Calhoun, whose outrageous
defense of slavery against the “oppressive” “tariff-wielding” North, has
caused suffering to all Yale students of color, whether they know it or
not. In addition to this, his appearance terrified children of all
ages and further scarred the nation. |
 Mumia
College
Mumia Abu Jamal’s heroic struggle in the face
of oppression is a model for all minorities. Instead of constructing
useless political theory like John Calhoun, Mumia speaks more truth with
the act of desperation for which he will be martyred, and continues to
prophesy boldly. (ask about his rates for speaking engagements, commencements,
bar mitzvahs, funerals!) |
 Berkeley
College
Bishop George Berkeley relentlessly imposed his
beliefs upon others, holding that only through Jesus is one saved.
To this end he endowed a Christian school and forced “savages” to attend
and observe repressive Christian practices. No doubt his absurd philosophy
had something to do with this hate for the flesh. |
 Che
Guevara College
Che Guevara’s philosophy is much more comprehensible,
rooted only in the material world. This marvelous marxist supported
camps that taught this liberating philosophy. He fought honorably
against the same imperialist bourgeoisie that we Yalies fight, and who
we protect the poor frombecoming. |
 Timothy
Dwight College
Timothy Dwight owned one slave,
and trained more pro-slavery clergy
than any other schoolman in America.
And he kicked a dog once. |
 Larry
Flynt College
This courageous free speech activist owned only
one sex-slave. He broke down barriers of censorship, especially by
his depiction of liberation through mutilation and humilation. |
 Morse
College
Samuel F. B. Morse believed in the superiority
of the white race, and upheld slavery as a means of upholding the delicate
balance of society. Also, his code and telegraph were used to transmit
racist messages. |
 Sanger
College
Margaret Sanger was a pioneer feminist whose
resolve to make birth control available to all, particularly to hapless
recent immigrants like Jews, Poles, and Italians, and any who would have
too many children for their own good, ultimately preserved the nation’s
delicate balance and staved off social chaos. |
 Silliman
College
Benjamin Silliman was German. Haven’t they
caused enough pain and suffering? |
 Fyvush
Finkel College
Fyvush Finkel is Jewish. And he’s so likeable!
No one could object to him. |
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We also demand:
-Volunteers to scratch out the de-honorands’
names from old documents, yearbooks, photographs, alumni mailings, personal
correspondence, and the like; also, one volunteer needed to remove the
“c” from all keyboards in the Mumia College master’s office.
-Chisels, hammers, sickles, sledge hammers, magic
markers, peanut butter, and black paint (to throw at Calhoun’s portrait,
bust, carvings, and descendants); also, a public burning of all books by,
about, for, or read by or to John Calhoun.
-The total abandonment of Morse Code.
-Examination of the question of whether Yale
should be renamed, perhaps to Honey Nut Chex University (sweet, but not
too sweet, so everyone likes it).
-Closure. |
John C. Calhoun says, “Lool away,
look away.”
Fyvush Finkel says, “Mazel Tov!” |
Sponsored by C.R.U.D.
and
the Committee for Liberal Reform
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