Dear President Levin:
Thank you so much for your invitation to participate in
Yale’s Tercentennial events. I regret to inform you that, for several reasons,
I cannot attend.
Unfortunately, the jester hat you so kindly sent was several
sizes too small and the bells would have given blind assassins too easy
Though I care deeply about the fund to aid Yale’s exploited
dining workers, the Secret Service believes the charity “Dunk the W and
Hold Him Under” event to be a security risk.
Along the same lines, the Secret Service was also unhappy
with the University’s plans for the “Clinton-Bush Celebrity Death Match,”
particularly since we are in vastly different weight classes.
In addition, I thought that performing in a skit in which
Elmo teaches me how to read, while humorous, would probably undermine the
dignity of the presidency.
Finally, as much as I would have enjoyed participating
in a GESO teach-in, I feel that saving these students from terrorists is
a more pressing matter than securing for them a “living wage.”
George W. Bush
President of the United States of America