Dear President Levin:

Thank you so much for your invitation to participate in Yale’s Tercentennial events. I regret to inform you that, for several reasons, I cannot attend. 

Unfortunately, the jester hat you so kindly sent was several sizes too small and the bells would have given blind assassins too easy a target.

Though I care deeply about the fund to aid Yale’s exploited dining workers, the Secret Service believes the charity “Dunk the W and Hold Him Under” event to be a security risk.

Along the same lines, the Secret Service was also unhappy with the University’s plans for the “Clinton-Bush Celebrity Death Match,” particularly since we are in vastly different weight classes. 

In addition, I thought that performing in a skit in which Elmo teaches me how to read, while humorous, would probably undermine the dignity of the presidency.

Finally, as much as I would have enjoyed participating in a GESO teach-in, I feel that saving these students from terrorists is a more pressing matter than securing for them a “living wage.” 

Best wishes,

George W. Bush
President of the United States of America