"Hello, you have activated your finely crafted Smith & Wesson firearm.
Due to Federal regulations, your firearm has been equipped with a state-of-the-art
"If this is an emergency, please press nine, and a customer service
representative will assist you shortly. Please remain on the line -- your
call is important to us."
"If you are a five-year-old child, put the gun down."
"If you are a homicidal teenager, put the gun down."
"If you are a militia member, put the gun down."
"If you know the type of crime being commited, please enter the name
of the crime, followed by the pound sign. <BEEP>M-U-D-D-E-R
is not a valid name of a crime. Please hang up and try again when you can
remember the name of the crime."