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T H E   G I V E N   O R D E R
Beauty School Dropouts
February 2000 

In an unprecedented development, every candidate in the 2000 presidential race has announced the end of his bid for the White House. Reasons cited varied widely.

  • Vice President Al Gore dropped out in a typically altruistic gesture, throwing his support to rival Bill Bradley. He stated, “I have always been deeply concerned for the environment, for the care of our green Spaceship Earth. And I realized that Senator Bradley’s tax and health care plans would so impoverish our nation that we would no longer consume the vast portion of the world’s resources that we do today. A poorer America is a greener America. Thank you and Gaia bless.”
  • Senator Bill Bradley left the race, citing peer pressure from his homies in the hood. In an emotional press conference, he declared, “They looked down on my academic achievements. They’re always saying, ‘He act like he think he white.’ That’s why I got such a low score on my SATs. I just wanted to fit in. But now the pressure has become too much for me. I—I can’t go on. I’ve got to find my roots. I gotta keep it real. Peace, yo.”
  • Senator John McCain stated this morning that he was forced to leave the race due to insufficient soft-money contributions.
  • Texas Governor George W. Bush announced that he is dropping out of the race because it’s no fun any more. His bid for the presidency was also hampered by the fact that he had executed most of his strongest supporters (and his dealer).
  • Steve Forbes was forced to leave the race in order to return to his hometown of Bedford Falls, New York, to thwart the nefarious plans of George Bailey’s Building and Loan.
  • Alan Keyes decided to end his presidential bid because, as he put it in a press conference in Las Vegas, “I realized that sometimes I just don’t love Jesus.”
  • Maverick Reform Party member Pat Buchanan lost his job as presidential candidate to a migrant Mexican laborer. Unfortunately, Jorge Rivera, as a Chihuahua-born illegal alien, is not eligible for the presidency.
These developments leave not a single person running for the office of the presidency. Internet reporter Matt Drudge published an unsubstantiated rumor that Bill Clinton has locked himself into the Oval Office and is pouring champagne out the windows shouting, “Ah’m a dictator! Ah’m King! Take off your bra, honey, it’s not every day you can make it with a Generalissimo!”

Elian Gonzalez had no comment.

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