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FROM THE COMMITTEE FOR LIBERAL REFORM
September 2000

 
By the powers vested in Sandra Day O’Connor by nobody in particular, as well as penumbrae which emanate from the Elastic Clause and the Ninth Amendment, We do hereby declare that:

 The United States Supreme Court has jurisdiction and omnipotent control over the Sea. 

 The United States Supreme Court has jurisdiction and omnipotent control over Time. 

The United States Supreme Court has jurisdiction and omnipotent control over Djibouti (but hey, who doesn’t?). 

Women with small breasts are a protected class; therefore, all employers public and private must cover boob jobs (cf. Title VII of the Civil Rights Act). 

At the heart of liberty is the right to define our own concept of existence, of meaning, of the universe, and of the mystery of human life. Casey v. Planned Parenthood 1994, Dred Scott v.Sanford, 1856. Therefore, We will exercise Our liberty by declaring the following human beings to be no longer persons under the full protection of the law of the United States: 

  • Lisa Smith, who teased Us in third grade 
  • Our mother-in-law 
  • the Marlboro Man
  • Bill Gates 
  • Sally Struthers 
  • Fergie 
  • Anyone who has ever consumed or has entertained the idea of consuming dolphin-unsafe tuna 
Justices of The United States Supreme Court are, by definition, persons. All others pay cash.

We cannot look to the so-called “original intent” of the Founders. The Constitution is just a collection of individual letters -- t, h, e, and so forth. (This decision sponsored by the letter Q and the number 9.) 

Every single time money changes hands in the United States, interstate commerce is involved. (The currency used at a 7-Eleven in Spokane has been printed in DC, and, in traveling to Spokane, has crossed state lines.) Therefore, We can regulate everything you touch. All members of The United States Supreme Court shall receive 50% discounts at Pizza Hut. Also, the citizens of Katahampa County, Michigan, are hereby delegated to fan Us with palm fronds. (Thanks, America!) 

Set, in Our Royal Hand, this ninth day of June, in the Year of our Lord the Two Thousandth, 

Sandra Regina Optima et Maxima.

Justice O'Connor says: For the Honor of Grayskull...I am She-ra! 
Justice Scalia says: Maybe Marbury v. Madison wasn’t such a good idea after all. 
Sponsored by the Church of Sandrology 
and the Committee for Liberal Reform
 
The Yale Free Press is published by students ofYale University. 
Yale University is not responsible for its 
contents. By the same
token, The Yale Free Press is not responsible for the contents of Yale
University.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 

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