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Sexual Harassment

Information

Understanding Sexual Harassment

Sexual Harassment is a form of illegal discrimination. It frequently involves an expression of sexual conduct that seeks to exploit a relationship in which there is an imbalance of power. It may also include conduct that creates a hostile or intimidating work/academic environment. Although there may be situations where sexual harassment may occur unintentionally, for the most part, sexual harassment is a direct expression of the need for power and control. In some instances sexual harassment is obvious and may involve an overt action, a threat, or a reprisal. In other instances sexual harassment is subtle and indirect, possibly even unintentional, with a coercive aspect that is unstated. Those subjected to sexual harassment may find themselves feeling pressure or the focus of unwanted attention in a variety of perplexing situations. If you find yourself feeling uncomfortable and/or the recipient of sexually harassing behaviors it is important to address the situation, circumstances or actions. There are a number of resources listed on this site where you can discuss your concerns and/or explore possible actions.

How to Examine One’s Own Behavior

Sexual harassment is closely related to a personal code of conduct. Being judged as someone who sexually harasses others can have serious consequences throughout one’s career. Without a code of conduct that includes being sensitive to those around you, knowing when an action or comment crosses the line, and being approachable and respectful with the ability to imagine oneself in someone else’s shoes, ones actions could easily translate into charges of sexual harassment or even sexual assault. Sexual harassment may also occur in academic or working environments where some, in order to feel powerful or like a competent professional, have a tendency to put others, who work for him/her down.

Examining one's own intentions and the possible consequences may be necessary in order to change one's behavior. Other self-exploratory questions might be “Does offending someone or exerting power to diminish him/her improve one’s status?” or “Is being insensitive or uninformed how you think about yourself?”

Sexual Harassment From Peers

Harassment by peers is as unacceptable as harassment by faculty or staff of the University. Peer harassment can sometimes be more confusing than sexual harassment perpetrated by those in authority, but the impact is the same. Some examples of sexual harassment from peers may include:

  • Unwanted, casual/fleeting contact
  • Jokes, comments, gestures, pictures of a sexual nature
  • Uninvited visual scrutiny, winking
  • Disparaging remarks to a person about his/her gender, body or gender identity
  • Inappropriate terms of endearment “honey, sweetie, baby”
  • Words such as “bitch, slut, fag or dyke”
  • Intrusive sexually explicit questions
  • Groping or oral contact
  • Rating a person’s sexual attractiveness
  • Asking about a person’s sexual fantasies, sexual preferences and/or sexual activities
  • Repeatedly asking for a date after the person has implicitly or explicitly expressed disinterest
  • Spreading rumors about a person’s sexuality
  • Unwanted letters, notes, phone calls, e-mails, or other material of a sexual nature
  • Creating a hostile, coercive or intimidating environment with the expression of sexualized comments or themes
  • Stalking

Students or others may be unsure whether an experience is appropriately considered sexual harassment. In these circumstances, students are encouraged to discuss their concerns with a member of the Sexual Harassment Grievance Board, the SHARE counselor (203 432-6653), or a trusted authority such as a department chair, professor, academic or residential dean, or member of the clergy. Faculty and staff can also contact the SHARE Center or the Dean’s office in their academic or professional setting, or Title IX coordinator for the appropriate school.

Ways to Minimize the Risk of Being Accused of Sexual Harassment

In order to protect yourself from perpetrating acts that may be interpreted or experienced as sexual harassment here are some things to consider:

  • There is a strong need to be sensitive. Sexual harassment has to do with common sense and being sensitive to those around you.
  • Be aware of what crosses the line. How will you know when an action or comment crosses the line? How able are you to see things from the point of view of others?
  • Do you know how to be respectful? Those who are approachable, respectful, and can imagine themselves in someone else’s shoes, will be far less likely to be accused of sexual harassment or sexual assault.
  • Find ways to apologize and not blame the victim for being “too sensitive, prudish, lacking a sense of humor, uptight”. There may be a number of reasons for someone’s response that may reflect past experiences, backgrounds, traumatic events as well as you possible insensitivity. Blaming the victim is also a way to diminish him/her and excuse behavior.

Examples of Sexual Harassment

In addition to the experiences covered in the formal definition the following can also be forms of sexual harassment:

  • Intrusive sexually explicit questions
  • Remarking on a person’s sexual attractiveness
  • Disparaging remarks to a person about his/her gender, body or gender identity
  • Pervasive displays of pictures, calendars, cartoons or other material with sexually explicit or graphic content
  • Asking about a person’s sexual fantasies, sexual preferences or sexual activities
  • Repeatedly asking for a date after the person has implicitly or explicitly expressed disinterest
  • Spreading rumors about a person’s sexuality
  • Frequent jokes about sex or gender stereotypes
  • Name calling such as “bitch, slut, whore, fag, dyke”
  • Ogling, winking, leering, or staring at his/her body parts
  • Terms of endearment that are inappropriate for the setting such as “honey, cutie, sweetie, doll or baby”
  • Unwanted letters, notes, telephone calls, e-mails or material of a sexual nature
  • Unwanted, casual/fleeting contact
  • Jokes, comments, gestures, of a sexual nature
  • Environments that are hostile, coercive or intimidating because of sexualized comments or themes
  • Groping or uninvited oral contact (kissing, licking)
  • Being ignored, overlooked, not invited to participate because of gender, lack of responsiveness to sexual comments or overtures, and/or because others are deemed more appealing
  • Stalking
  • Threatening someone if he/she does not go along
    • Something bad will happen if they do not
    • Only way to reach a goal/job/grade

Common Responses to Sexual Harassment

  • Many attempt to avoid dealing with the problem directly out of fear, disbelief, loss of privacy or embarrassment
  • Some may minimize the situation, treating it like a joke or deciding it was not really important
  • There is often a tendency to pretend nothing is happening, while trying not to notice, hoping it will stop, and/or trying to forget about it
  • Some may offer excuses for the harasser or interpret the behaviors as flattering
  • Some may suffer in silence, either through fear of retaliation, blame or embarrassment, and/or the belief that no one will help
  • Some take a stand, confront the situation directly and/or report it to officials

If you are the victim of sexual harassment, you are encouraged to take a stand, even if it is simply a conversation with a trusted person such as a dean, faculty member or advisor, to help explore your feelings. Ignoring the situation does not make it go away and not alerting others allows the perpetrator to continue his/her behavior.

Impact of Sexual Harassment

  • Impaired performance - difficulty concentrating, lethargy, anxiety
  • Increased experienced of negative moods – depressed, angry, hurt, afraid
  • Pessimistic outlook – feeling helpless, discouraged, hopeless, trapped
  • Fear of public scrutiny –public awareness, afraid to be labeled as a trouble maker, that others will doubt or disbelieve
  • Experience of a negative atmosphere – victim feels he/she can not trust the work/academic environment, that no one will help or believe him/her, and that nothing will ever change

Suggestions on Ways to Confront Someone When You Are Feeling Sexually Harassed

Informal Strategies for Responding to Sexual Harassment:

Unwelcome sexually oriented behaviors

The following responses are examples an individual can say or do in response to the unwelcome sexually oriented behaviors of another.

  • “I know you probably don’t mean any harm by it, but I feel uncomfortable when you ______ and I’d really appreciate it if you would stop.”
  • “I’m sure we both agree that it’s important for everyone to feel comfortable here (in class, lab, on wards etc.). It would help me to feel more comfortable if you would refrain from ______.”

Possible ways to fill in the blanks above

  • “…make comments about my appearance…”
  • “…tell dirty jokes in my presence…”
  • “…ask me out…”
  • “…make suggestive comments…”
  • “…ask me about my love life…”
  • “…talk about sex in my presence…”
  • “…hug me…”
  • “…rub my shoulder…”

Confronting Someone Who Makes You Feel Uncomfortable

To confront a person who makes you feel uncomfortable, describe the behavior, how it makes you feel, and what action you want taken. For example:

“This is the third time you have put your arm around me (behavior)
I feel I am not being taken seriously (feeling)
I don’t want you to do that anymore.” (action)

“When you tell dirty jokes (behavior)
I feel very uncomfortable (feeling)
Please stop.” (action)

“When you call me “Babe,” (behavior)
I feel angry, (feeling)
Please don’t do that.” (action)

More Examples

  • “We’ve discussed this before. I don’t like it when you ______. I’d like for us to work this out between us, but I need your cooperation. Would you please stop?”
  • “This is not negotiable with me. I really don’t like it when you ______. Please stop.”

Asserting yourself and expressing your feelings

If you have trouble asserting yourself and expressing your feelings, you can practice with other typically annoying incidents that occur throughout your day that feel less intimidating or emotional. An example might be an annoying lab partner:

“When you leave the unclean gel apparatus in the sink and then leave for the day (behavior) I feel like you do not value me or my time or that you think I do not matter feeling) Please clean your gels before leaving.” (action)

Once you get used to expressing your feelings in everyday situations, you will find it much easier to speak out in more stressful situations.

Addressing the fear of being labeled as “too sensitive”
Am I being too sensitive?

When you speak out strongly against what you feel to be sexually harassing behavior, others may try to belittle your feelings and make you question yourself or think that you're making a big deal over nothing. They may say, “Stop being so sensitive. We were just joking.”

Remember to stay clear and focused on your feelings about the behavior. Your opinions and feelings are important. The offenders may not be intending any harm with their joking, but if you are bothered by their conduct, you have a right to voice your objections. Feelings are always valid and it is not acceptable for others to tell you how to feel.

Breaking the Cycle of Sexual Harassment by Doing Something Unexpected

Some individuals find that by doing something unexpected it can break the cycle of sexually harassing behaviors. Here are some responses that individuals may find helpful. Not everyone will be comfortable with all of these responses nor are all appropriate for every situation.

Keep in mind that many people who experience sexual harassment and feel uncomfortable may initially not recognize the behavior as sexual harassment. Often there is a tendency on the part of the person who experienced the behavior and others she/he may tell about it to minimize or deny the behavior by saying “I’m sure he/she didn’t really mean it,” or “It’s really no big deal,” or “I must be imagining this.”

Strategies suggested by Bernice R. Sandler, Senior Scholar, Women’s Research and Education Institute

  • The “Miss Manners” Approach: “I beg your pardon!” This, coupled with strong facial expressions of shock, dismay and disgust can be used whenever you cannot think of anything else to say or do. A variant of this is “I can’t believe you actually said that!” or “I’m speechless!”
  • Pretending Not to Understand: This is particularly useful with sexist or sexual remarks and jokes. You keep a deadpan expression and state that you “don’t get the point of this” or “I don’t understand what that means.” Follow up by asking the person to repeat whatever it is they just said, and again claim that you don’t understand what they mean. There is nothing worse for a joke-teller or someone who thinks he or she has made a clever remark than to be told that someone didn’t “get it.” Keep claiming you don’t understand the point of the remark or joke. Hopefully, the other person will understand that the behavior is inappropriate, but even if the joke-teller does not, he or she may stop making these remarks, believing that you have no sense of humor or because you are not responding to the “jokes” in the way the speaker wanted.
  • Using Humor: Humor and playfulness are good ways to handle these issues if you can think of something immediately because they connote strength. Unfortunately, many of us think of wonderful funny remarks later, when they aren’t needed. However, here are some standard responses, which, said lightly and jokingly, might be useful:
    “Uh-Oh! That’s sexual harassment – you had better watch out before you get in big trouble.”

    “Is this a test to see how I handle sexual harassment? (This could also be said without humor.)

More options

  • Give them a copy of the university sexual harassment policy with the relevant passages highlighted. You might include a note indicating that, regardless of his/her intentions, his/her behavior is unwelcome by you. Give them a copy of “A Guide on How to Prevent, Avoid and Stop Sexual Harassment” from the Office for Women in Medicine.
  • Tell a friend or colleague every time the person does something that offends you. Be specific about what occurred. Choose a friend/colleague who would be willing to verify that you told them about the incidents.
  • Ask a colleague or friend to accompany you to talk with the person about how their behavior bothers you and to request that they stop. The friend/colleague would be present to provide support for you, and, if necessary later, to serve as witness on your behalf.
  • Keep a journal of dates, times, places, and occurrences. Ask someone from your college or professional school resource office (Ombuds Office, SHGB, SHARE Center) to contact the person to talk with him/her about your complaint and to convey that you’d like the behavior to stop.

Drafting a Confidential Letter to a Person Who Has Harassed or Offended You

Writing a letter to the person who has harassed or offended you with the following details:

Describe:

  • What behavior occurred
  • How you felt about the behaviors
  • You want the behaviors to stop
  • Keep a copy for yourself
    Link: (Suggestions on drafting a letter)

How to Draft a Confidential Letter to a Person Who Has Harassed or Offended You

If someone has offended you, you may wish to consider sending that person a letter. Sometimes it is helpful to write the letter even if you do not send it. Drafting a letter can help you organize your feelings and identify your priorities, and, if you decide to speak to the other party directly, the letter can serve as a “script” for your meeting.

A letter will have the most value if it conveys your complaint in a manner that allows the recipient to “hear” your words. The suggestions offered here will help you organize your thoughts and feelings in a logical and rational manner and will help make your letter more likely to gain the attention of the reader, if/when you choose to send it.

Begin with an initial draft that describes the situation without regard to form, but addresses the experience that offended you. It may appear as a stream-of-consciousness. Once accomplished, put it away for a while before reviewing and making revisions. Though it will probably take some time and require several drafts, doing this can help you begin to shape the letter in the most readable form.

  • Paragraph 1 - Describe the incident by stating the facts. This should include what happened, when, where, how, etc. Do this as accurately as possible and without any emotional content. If you are not sure of a fact, use terms such as “I believe… ”, or “it appeared to me that.…” Remember, this is the factual part of your letter.
  • Paragraph 2 - State how the incident made you feel. If it will add to your point, describe the meaning or significance the incident had or has continued to have for you. “The facts stated above made me feel…because I interpreted the event or events to mean….” Do not make any accusations.
  • Paragraph 3 - Focus on what you would like to have happen next. If you have a particular actions in mind, state them in this part of the letter. Here is where you might want to say, “I would like the offensive behavior to stop.”

This structure will help you deal with your feelings and organize your thoughts. Writing a letter does not obligate you to send it. Once it is written, you can still consider other, available alternatives. Having analyzed your situation you may now consider a number of options. You may decide to do nothing more, or be ready to speak directly to the offending person. You may want to share your letter with the offender's superior, or use it as a starting point for discussion with an advisor or counselor. Before sending the letter, speak to someone to get advice. If you choose to send it, the letter may serve to stop offensive behavior. If it does not, then it may be used as evidence for more formal methods of intervention. Regardless of what you choose to do with the letter, most people find it helpful to put the experience in writing.