Endnote

Dewey, Decimated

It is the end of an era. In early March, Yale announced that renovations to Sterling Memorial Library would permanently remove over ninety card cabinets from the building’s nave. The cards they contain will be tucked away in the basement of SML, awaiting only the occasional use by stodgy traditionalists. The cabinets, emptied of their indices, will be sold at auction. Starting bid: fifty bucks. You’re probably thinking: What kind of idiot would buy a card catalogue cabinet? But on further reflection, you might recognize that idiot as yourself. For the inventive and adventurous, potential uses abound. While they still hold their cards, open the drawers to unearth suggestions for how your new cabinet might live out its retirement:

020 Library & Information Sciences: Sell a cabinet at a profit to a fledgling nomadic society with a rudimentary but growing literature. Don’t settle for fewer than twelve goats!

173 Ethics of Family Relationships: “Honey, where’d you put the car keys?” “Oh, they’re in one of the drawers.”

216 Good & Evil: Card catalogue cabinets can be used for either purpose. With great furniture comes great responsibility. You can use the cabinet to dispense medicine to disaster-struck areas, or you can use it to slam people’s fingers in the drawers.

269 Spiritual Renewal: Establish a religion centered around your cabinet. Talk to God, write down everything he says, hide his communiqué in the drawers, and tell other people about it. Stow the cabinet in a big golden ark and wheel it out for holidays.

471 Food & Drink: Lay the cabinet on its face and use it as a table on which to serve your guests coffee. If your guests are termites, serve them the cabinet.

497 North American Native Literatures: Put a plastic Indian in a cupboard drawer. If he “turns real” by morning, shove monopoly money in the others.

695 Roof covering: Plug that card catalogue-shaped hole once and for all.

795 Games of Chance: Fill a small fraction of the drawers with candy, and the remainder with scorpions. Invite your professors for a fun-filled night of “Candy or Scorpions?”

812 Drama: Insist that the reference librarians help you carry the cabinet to your penthouse apartment. Begin to loudly protest that the baby is yours. As the security guards drag you out, shake a fist—flamboyantly.

Melvil Dewey, Jr. was Research Director of TNJ before he was killed by a falling card catalogue cabinet filled with scorpions.

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