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Coming Out |
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The phrase "Coming out" is jargon
that refers to the process by which a lesbian, gay man, bisexual or transgender
(LGBT) person reveals his or her sexual orientation to others. A person is
"out" when many of the people he or she cares about know of his or
her sexual orientation. Coming out is sometimes difficult, but it is
often a key for a happy life for an LGBT person. Coming out is not the same thing as becoming
an activist. Coming out means being free to pursue your own sexual
orientation. Unfortunately, life as an out LGBT person is
not always easy, but for most people benefits greatly outweigh costs.
Moreover, you will be surprised how many hurdles are lower than expected once
you are out, e.g. it is true that there is some discrimination on the job,
but there are also nationally recognized firms that host recruiting events
specifically for LGBT people. At Yale, there are persons with the most
diverse coming out experiences. Some knew they were gay since childhood; some
came out in their early teens; some others started questioning or coming out
only late in their PhD. The person who is writing this page took nine years
from day he realized he was gay to the day he came out (and, if you wonder,
yes, I am happy with my choice). Coming Out Resources Here are some resources available to the Yale
students, to help you with your coming out process Yale University Health Service on Psychological
Support Emergency
Psychological Support For emergency psychological support during
business hours ( Peer Counseling phone-line, active only a few
hours a week and only during academic year. Religious Counseling and
Services There are gay-supportive religious clergy for almost
every major religious denomination in the Yale Libraries For those who face the extra hurdle of having been brought up in a dysfunctional family, my personal opinion is that the following book is very useful "Reclaiming your life: the gay man's guide to love, self-acceptance, and trust" by Rik Isensee. Don't be put off by the commercial cover; the book is a serious one.
New Haven Gay and Lesbian Community Center (NHGLCC) The NHGLCC has a coming-out support group for
those You do not have to be a member of the Center to
attend. They ask at the end of the group for a donation to the Center (they
suggest $ Internet Resources There are several internet resources, many can be found by using the usual search engines. The obvious advantage of internet resources is that they allow reading about coming out issues without having actually to come out to anybody. The obvious limitation is that they bring you only so far. The best guide is probably the one of the Human Rights Campaign Other guides available on the internet are: Coming Out and Staying Out for gay and bisexual men Deans and Student Offices The following persons have offered to talk to
any student about his/her coming out challenges or any challenges he/she
faces as an LGBT student. Discussion will be held confidential. Dean Director Director William (Bill) Rando
of the Yale Policies and Both Connecticut
and New
Haven have antidiscrimination statutes that include protection of
gay and lesbian persons. Yale University has a
very inclusive antidiscrimination policy.
In addition to offering benefits to
domestic partners of University employees, students' domestic partners
also have some benefits,
e.g. they may apply as couples for university housing. Coming Out Questions and Answers Here below, I try to answer to questions some
of you may have during the coming out process. I draw from my experience and
the experience of others. Everyone's experience is unique. Step The first step toward a happier life, and
also the first step of the coming out process is self-acceptance.
Self-acceptance means recognizing your sexual orientation as a valuable part
of yourself. In other words, self-acceptance means valuing your sexual
orientation as you value other aspects of yourself that you like. For some
people this is a long process and might not be complete when you begin to
come out to others. Once you truly accept yourself, the desire to be true to
yourself and to meet others like you should come natural. This desire implies
at least a limited form of coming out. Some people might have a harder time to accept
themselves because they have wrong beliefs about homosexuality. First,
homosexuality is not an illness. The American Psychiatric Association has
declared that homosexuality is not an illness since Is there a moral duty to
come out? No. Coming out is a personal choice. Most LGBT people think coming out is worth doing
for your own happiness. In which order should I do
my coming out? In the order that makes you most comfortable.
Some people come out to their friends first. Some others to their families
first. Things being what they are, it is likely for friends to accept you
faster than family. And if you are not accepted, it is easier to change
friends than parents. But only you can decide who is more important for you
and who is more likely to be supportive. Will I manage to come out
only to those to whom I want to come out? Difficult question. It is possible to come
out only to some people, but not to others. It is fairly common for people to
come out only to their friends (straight and LGBT), but not to family or on
the job. It is also common to come out only to other LGBT people. Leakages are always possible though. A professional psychologist or psychiatrist
(such as the ones listed above at the Yale Health Plan) is bound by law not
to disclose any information without your consent. Therefore, coming out to a psychologist
may be the way that minimizes the probability that this information will go
around. Is there a relationship
between Sexual Orientation and Femininity-Masculinity? Whatever link may or may not exist between sexual orientation, stereotypical gender roles, mannerism, femininity and masculinity, it should not impact the way in which you live your life. There are enough different lesbian and bisexual women out there to cover every possible variation of masculine and feminine: from the lesbian routinely confused for a heterosexual woman, to the lesbian routinely confused for a heterosexual men, and of course tons of them are in the middle. The same is true for gay and bisexual men. My personal opinion is that, at least among gay men, too much time is wasted with fears about this topic: just be what you want to be. Said that, for some very effeminate man or
masculine women it is harder both on a self-acceptance level and on a society
acceptance level, but the LGBT community welcomes persons of every mannerism. If I come out, I'll be the
oldest coming out on campus. Unless you are one hundred years old, that is
extremely unlikely. And who cares, anyway? Try to concentrate on the future
of your life, not on the past. The LGBT community is used to see people
coming out at all ages. If I come out, I'll be the
least experienced of the lot. So what? There has been a point in which each
of us in turn was the least experienced of the lot. You'll learn fast enough;
make sure you choose your learning pace. It is very easy anyway ;-P If I come out, other gays
will take advantage of me. There is a stereotype that LGBT people are
predatory, but it is not true. I think that unpleasant people occur in the
same proportion in the heterosexual and the LGBT groups. If I come out, will I earn
less? Maybe. There is evidence that there is some
discrimination on the job. On the other hand, some people are not
discriminated at all on the job. Some states have non-discrimination laws.
Moreover, you don't need to come out on the job. In addition, remaining in the closet does not
guarantee you not to be discriminated (there is scientific evidence that
unmarried people are discriminated regardless of their orientation, though to
a lesser extent than openly LGBT people). The most important question is, "are you
willing to give up a little bit of your salary to cuddle and be cuddled by a
person you love?" Your choice. If I come out, will there
be name calling in the street? It is very unlikely. How would people know
anyway? It is a different matter if you constantly
wear a badge, such as a pink triangle or a rainbow flag, then it can happen
(in my experience, about twice a year) to hear some less-than-pleasant
remarks. Nothing threatening anyway. If I come out, will I be
beaten up? There have been no episodes of physical violence
on campus and physical violence is rare across the If I come out, will my
family accept me? It depends on your family. Some families do astonishing
strides forward and fully accept their LGBT children. Some don't.
Occasionally, a family never accepts his or her LGBT child. There is no need to come out to your family.
You would be surprised how many people fully integrated in the gay community
are not out to their parents. Of course, you want to consider your
financial situation before coming out to your family. Are you independent? Let's make the worst-case scenario, what is
it more important for your happiness? Your parents' acceptance? Or living who
you are and finding somebody who loves you for who you are? Your choice,
again. If I come out will my
friends accept me? Often ALL of your Yale friends accept you.
Yale people are quite open. Friends can be very understanding and supportive.
They might have never mentioned the word "homosexuality" or
"gay" or they might not even know what LGBT stands for (I did not
know either), but they will probably accept you arms wide open. About your
friends elsewhere, it depends on your background and on your state/country of
origin. Is coming out something
only activists do? No. There is no automatic link between being
out and becoming an activist. Hopefully, some of those who are out will
become an activist, but most will be living their life as private citizens. First contacts. Ok, now you have decided you are ready for
your first steps. If you have an out LGBT friend that's probably your best
bet, but if you don't some of your options are: Check out the Outland webpage for upcoming events and sign up to the Outland email list (you can
do so with an anonymous commercial email address, such as hotmail) Email an Outland Coordinator
and ask him/her to introduce you to a few friends of his/hers. If you are
comfortable in doing so, you can just plainly state, "I just came out, I
don't know anybody; can you please introduce me to somebody? Or put me in
contact with somebody who would do so?". We
will try our best to do so. Go to events organized by other LGBT organizations on campus. The undergraduate LGBT Co-op has discussion groups for each of the following: gays, lesbians, bisexuals, transgender, and LGBT people of color (tip: they don't update their webpage very often so contact the coordinators to make sure the time and place are up to date) Go to one of the regular meeting places: Bar
on Tuesday night, Breaking the ice. Those that already have LGBT friends when
come out should not encounter many difficulties in finding new LGBT friends
and building relationships. Those who do not already have LGBT friends may
find that getting to know the very first people is a bit harder then they
hoped for. First of all a reassurance, it is only a
matter of having the process started, then the first few friendships the
process will snowball and you will have tons of friends. There are at least
two reasons why it may be a bit harder at the beginning. One reason is that
deep down the step If I come out, will the
LGBT community welcome me arms wide open? Of course. Building friendships and relationships takes time (within the LGBT community, exactly as in the straight community). Don't be impatient now. But once you built the first few friendships the process will snowball and you will have tons of friends. The LGBT community is always open to new members. We hope to welcome you soon. Comments? Please let us know emailing us at the contact address you find under Contact us |
