ALIAS: “M-Baby”

HOMETOWN: Rockville, South Carolina



BIO: Jessica Miller was last seen rubbing Axe deodorant on park benches in the downtown area of Iowa City, Iowa.  An onlooker said that she was humming the theme song to The Dog Whisperer, but it could have been a strange bird— the onlooker would not testify to either account.  The last time Miller was found, she had gone by the alias “Cupid’s Bow” because of her attempts spark love in strangers via the pheromones released from Axe Body Spray.  She has since ditched the name because it contains no puns, and is currently open to any suggestions of names that pun with either “Venus” or “Fur” but that don’t allude to the 2011 production of “Venus in Furs.”  Miller is a notorious theater hater, and foams at the mouth at the sight of any play, though she is an avid connoisseur of astrology, and an often agitator against PETA.  Her phobia of plays makes her a tractable target, helping FBI in tracking her, since she is always found in Cities that have a low rate of street theater per capita (per year).  Miller has no known hobbies, only loves, and phobias (Axe Body Spray, theater) and trademark look is a small tooth nose ring through her septum.  Please contact The Purple Crayon of Yale if she is found.  She is a danger to us all.


Duh-duh. Duh-duh-duh-duh.