ARI ZIMMET BR ’17


NOTABLE QUOTABLE:

“I know what a woman is.”

ALIAS: TBD


HOMETOWN: Brookline, MA


FAVORITE ANIMAL: Kangaroo


FAVORITE FOOD: Campbell’s Chunky Hearty Beef Noodle Soup (yes, this is product placement because yes, Ari is sponsored by Campbell’s)


BIO: (To be read aloud in a rich, velvety voice)

He was introduced to the world sporting ruggedly handsome facial hair and an

endearing second-hand sweater. As he grew, he developed a keen understanding

of the nature of beauty. At age 14, he struck the perfect balance between being

incredibly lovable and not being alarmed when you inevitably fall for him. He

completed his high school community service requirement simply by showing

up to class. His life is a movie, and if he wasn’t so darn unselfish it would have

swept the Oscars (instead, he treated himself to Best Supporting Actor and Best

Cinematography). He develops an intentional emotional attachment to stray animals by giving them names. The photo on his Yale Student ID card is actually

flattering. He has accumulated an impressive 4.8 star rating on Yelp. One time he held a grudge, just to see how heavy it was. His name is a benediction in several Eastern European languages.


He is…

The one, the only, the truly incomparable Ari Zimmet.


Know him. Admire him. Love him from a distance. But before you get too close, be warned that magnitude of his emotions have made tougher men than you (i.e. Bruce Willis) cry.